Learning How to Be Human Again

Hi, my name is Erin Kendal. I am 20 and from Toronto. I am a survivor of rape, trauma, a cult, mental illness, and addiction. I am celebrating one month clean from all party drugs today. I am sharing my story in the hopes that it helps someone. I was addicted to coke, MDMA, ketamine and 2-cb. Let's just say my nose is not very happy with me and neither is my inner child. We all carry our inner child with us and my inner little girl doesn't trust me anymore. Imagine you are a car and all these parts take turns driving the car. They are all trying to protect us but sometimes they harm us along the way. Mental illness and addiction are parts of me and I need to thank them for helping me become the person I am today. 

My childhood was pretty challenging; I lived in abusive households, almost lost my only parent to cancer, and had severe sexual trauma. At 9 I was pulled into a dark sexual world online. At 13 I was assaulted and again 2 months ago I was raped. I have been hospitalized multiple times for suicide attempts. This all started at the age of 8 when I started to self-harm. Things got worse as I got older. At 15 I started working in the sex industry and don’t even know if you could call what I was living life. At 16 I tried to jump off a bridge but was stopped. Following that night I dropped out of high school and went to mental health treatment. It was an adult center and was not the right fit. This was in November 2019, I stayed 10 days. I was asked to leave after a suicide attempt there. I went to another facility and stayed for almost 3 years. It was a place I felt safe enough to call home. I would not be alive today if it wasn’t for them. They hold a very special place in my heart. I worked with amazing therapists, learned a lot about myself, and was taught a lot of tools which I will be sharing. I left before I was ready but I also needed to leave, I had been there so long. I was 19 at this point and had no idea how to be an adult.

When I returned to Canada in October 2022 I felt so alone and wanted to go back. My brain thought the quickest way to do this would be to get even sicker. I went seeking drugs and became addicted to cocaine. I started working as a prostitute again. After 2 months of using, I was broken and my body was breaking down. I went into detox and went back to the facility. Once I got there I made it my mission to never have to leave again. I became as sick as I could. I self-harmed, attempted my life, took others' meds, ran away and just generally made it very hard for people to help me. I thought that if I was sick I could stay forever. Eventually, I got back into the swing of things and had a few good months. I was given more responsibility but this was scary because now they could say I was ready to go. So again I tried to become the sickest. I had a very serious attempt on my life. I don’t think I wanted to die, I just wanted to feel safe. 

I was transferred to another facility. I was getting too comfortable. In total, I spent almost 4 years there. If I had stayed I would have continued to spiral for who knows how long. My family could also no longer keep me there financially. Thus I ended up at the next center. I will not discuss many details about this time of my life except to say that I was severely traumatized and can’t discuss it for legal reasons. I don’t use this word lightly when I say it was a cult. I suffered mental and emotional torture, brainwashing, and extreme physical labor. It was the worst 5 months of my life. I got out and returned home on May 3rd, 2024. If you have seen “The Program” on Netflix, well there are a hell of a lot of similarities. I very quickly relapsed on drugs. I still have severe PTSD from this center and coming home I didn’t even know what recovery was anymore. I had a lot of trouble staying at home with my mom because she thought we had built a great relationship while I was away for the last 5 months. All allowed communication was limited and monitored. The truth is I lived in fear every day I was there and was not able to build anything real with anyone including myself and my recovery. All I knew was drugs and the industry. When I got back I quickly moved out of my mom’s house and spiraled, all of this was heightened by the recent rape that happened shortly after my return to Canada. I was scared to ask for help because I was terrified of being sent back to treatment. After this last place, I could never trust another treatment facility.

Slowly I pulled back from the industry and cut down on the drugs. I had many slips along the way but with the help of my support system, I got back up. Every time I used it, all I could wish for was to be sober. There were many nights when I used to the point that I couldn’t breathe. At that point, I didn’t care what happened to me. Step by step I started to care again; I went into therapy and started doing art again and dancing. When I let myself get creative I always feel better. Eventually, I started to become an “adult”, learning to be a human again. Learning to eat 3 meals a day, shower, and clean up after myself. On July 6th, 2024 I said goodbye. I messaged all contacts from the industry to let them know that I would never be working again and not to call me. I threw my drugs in the garbage and told my dealer to never sell to me again. I started to figure out what my life in recovery looked like. The other times I had built my recovery for myself and this time I did it for me and my inner little girl. I now live a simple life. I’m finishing high school, spending time with my support system, and rebuilding my family relationships. I hope to go to George Brown College for the Assaulted Women’s and Children’s Counsellor/Advocate program in September 2025. I hope to find a job in the not-for-profit sector and help others. 

This blog will always be free. I will be posting lots of skills and tools I learned in therapy that help me. In no way am I pretending to be a mental health professional but I hope I can be one someday. I will be getting very real and vulnerable in the hopes that it makes a difference to just one person. If you are struggling with mental health, addiction, or trauma then this is for you. You are not alone. If you know someone struggling I will also post about what kind of support can help someone struggling.

If you wanna reach out or have questions please contact me through any of my social media. I am open about my story and I am happy to help!

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